When our children were younger, adults in the family set the tone around the holidays, creating family activities and traditions. We expected our kids to follow our lead and they did.

But now, the once agreeable children are teenagers trying desperately to individuate themselves from us. This can add stress to our holiday planning. So how do we set the tone for success?

Images: Teens, holidays and family

Communicating with your teens to hear their expectations and needs is a start.

As a mother of a 16-year-old, a psychotherapist and youth coach, I’ve found communicating with teens is usually most effective when you go onto their turf: Facebook.

I went on Facebook recently and asked a few teens about how they’d like to spend their time over the holidays. You might be surprised how candidly they responded:

CC: “I like to spend my holidays with my family, but also with friends ... so I would like 2/3rds with my family and 1/3 with friends."

Kathryn: “I like to spend my holidays probably a 1/4 with friends and 3/4 with family.”

Chris: “During the holidays I normally like to spend half the time with family and half the time with friends.”

Abby: “Seeing your family on holidays is very important and you should spend time for them, yet friends are very important people in your life as well that you have a different relationship and I think holidays are a great time to spend and share it with them as well.”

Teens And Traditions:

Though teens may grump around the house and appear that they don’t care about anything, that’s not always the case. Also on Facebook, I asked teens about their thoughts regarding holiday traditions. Consider:

Caitlin: “Every year we pick out a Christmas tree together, decorate it and that night we all watch ‘White Christmas’ and sleep in the family room under the tree. On Christmas Eve, we have dinner with some good family friends and go to the late night service at CPC. On Christmas morning, Grandma comes over and we all open presents and have brunch together. Later in the week, usually over New Year's, my relatives from Iowa usually come up. We have lots of fun playing hockey and broomball outside together.”

Chris: “Our family enjoys listening to Christmas carols together, cooking meals together that we only have on occasion. We also like driving around and looking at the lights all along country club and finding the most decorated houses. On Christmas Eve we always read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas' and we watch 'Elf' my all time favorite movie.”

Tyler: “I really like going on our family reunion ski trips because all of us rent out a huge ski house and most of us are pretty good at skiing so we all stay their together in the same house and eat grandma’s best dinner one night then my dad's best the other.”

Emma: “I love looking at Christmas lights, visiting grandparents, caroling, making cider and things like that.”

Kathryn: “I like to visit my grandparents and looking at lights is fun. I actually like to volunteer around the holidays, because the opportunities are the best around that time.

Taylor: “Holiday break- Look at Christmas lights and just be together at our house, make 'goopy' pancakes and watch movies.”

So, How Do We Come Together?

Start talking as early as possible. Consider teenagers’ schedules when looking for a time to plan a family meeting and set expectations. You may need a few meetings to finalize plans. Remember to ask them to bring THEIR ideas to the table and stress to them that your goal is for everyone to be a part of the decision-making process.

Ask someone to take notes, affirm ideas and make it clear that all are being considered. Remain flexible when listening to your teenager’s needs and use a calendar to help plan family vs. friend time.

Be sure you advocate for what YOU want as a parent too. It’s a give and take. Bottom line: We are creating a win-win for everyone in the family this holiday season. Good Luck!

Marianne Milano holds her Master of Arts degree in Counseling and Psychotherapy and works as a Youth Coach at her church. Have a parenting question or concern write to Marianne at mmilano@ibsys.com.